Therapy (3)

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So I went to my third session of therapy last week and I had a (minor) breakthrough,

The therapist, as I was getting ready to leave, said "you have always had to figure everything out by yourself, haven't you?"

It's very true. And the longer that I think about it the more that it makes sense to me and puts so much of my life into perspective. (It also goes a long way to explaining the things that piss me off, the ways I react, the ways I relate)

From my earliest memories to the latest ones: it's all about me figuring things out. Early memories including never having my dad teach me how to shave and me having to learn to do it myself. To being gay in a smalltown and having to learn about "being gay" without any support. To figuring out what makes a relationship. To learning the computer (and teaching the school teachers), Right up to today and learning how to run a business.

All the big and most of the little things in my life i have had to figure out by myself. Either by having no other options or (more likely) preferring to do it myself—I have always tried to figure it out, Sometimes I fail, in which case I only have me to blame, but more often then not I, to various degrees, succeed,

I say succeed but only in regards to certain things. Things that follow rules, Things that follow logic, Things that are easily learnable. Computers, for instance, a piece of cake,

I have been completely rubbish at other things. Generally speaking, anything that involves emotions, And this is the main reason I'm seeing the therapist. Initially I went to him because I thought it was all about why I couldn't figure out all this emotional stuff. Now I'm beginning to understand that it's all about why I need to figure out everything by myself.

And that is where session 4 will begin.

P.S. As a side note, thus far this has been a positive experience, Yes I can get quite moody afterwards, but I feel I'm learning and moving forward. I fear that soon going to the therapist will feel more like a punishment than reward.

Therapy (2)

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So I went to my second session with the therapist. Here's what's going on…

1) I really hate open ended questions and I really hate the question "what are you thinking?" Ask me something specific and I'll answer it. When you ask me what I'm thinking chances are really high it is absolutely nothing. Nothing. The other possibility is that I'm thinking "why are you asking me what am I thinking?" Again.

2) "How does that make you feel?" Well, actually, it doesn't really make me feel anything. It is a fact. There's no feeling attached to it.

3) "Tell me about your childhood." Well, I was born at a very young age. ;) I actually don't remember a lot of facts about my childhood and what I do remember seemed to intrigue him.

Clearly these are all things that he is going to keep pressing. Hopefully some of my neurons will start firing OR, more probably, fire a little differently. Already I'm starting to put a couple of threads of my life in a little better perspective.

Of course, going forward, we are going to start going deeper and I will probably be less pragmatic about this stuff but for now I have no complaints.

Ponderances

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So I've started seeing a therapist.

"And how does that make you feel?"

"I dunno. Just need some help sorting a few facts of my life out."

The reality is I have a pretty descent life. Good job. Good home. Good friends. I just have a couple of things I need to sort out.

1) I think too much. I over analyze. I think about most actions way more than most people. As a result I trend to be "the quiet one". I'm really unsure as to when or why the happened. I'm also unsure whether this is good or bad.

2) I'm a "loner". I always have been. I've spent the majority of my life by myself. From my earliest memories, to the latest ones. I'm also unsure whether this is good or bad.

3) I have a hard time meeting new people/friends/partners/etc. This ties in a lot with 2). I do a lot of things to ensure this fact. This is most certainly bad. Very unsure of a course of action.

4) Once I do meet someone new I have a very difficult time getting to know them or connecting on a meaningful level. It certainly does happen and the people in my life are very close to me and very valuable to me. But getting close to people is a challenge for me. Again I'm certain this is bad. I'm certain it has to do with 2) and I'm at a complete loss as to how to do anything different.

5) I have many acquiantences in my life that I'd like to be closer with, but for some reason they appear to not. Not that people are hostile towards me—if we go out for dinner or drinks they appear to have a good time. They just don't want to get together all that often. I assume that they are picking up on 1) and 2) but I haven't a clue as to what to do about it. This is, I think, is the thing that bothers be to most. And if I could go to the therapist and say fix this one thing I think that I would be very happy. That, however, is not possible without dealing with all of the others. They are all tied in together. But I'm uncertain as to how. I'm also uncertain as to how it started and I'm most certainly uncertain about what to do about it.

Lets hope that the professional has some insight and can present it to me in a way that I understand.

And I'm certain about that. I think. Maybe.