So I went to my third session of therapy last week and I had a (minor) breakthrough,
The therapist, as I was getting ready to leave, said "you have always had to figure everything out by yourself, haven't you?"
It's very true. And the longer that I think about it the more that it makes sense to me and puts so much of my life into perspective. (It also goes a long way to explaining the things that piss me off, the ways I react, the ways I relate)
From my earliest memories to the latest ones: it's all about me figuring things out. Early memories including never having my dad teach me how to shave and me having to learn to do it myself. To being gay in a smalltown and having to learn about "being gay" without any support. To figuring out what makes a relationship. To learning the computer (and teaching the school teachers), Right up to today and learning how to run a business.
All the big and most of the little things in my life i have had to figure out by myself. Either by having no other options or (more likely) preferring to do it myself—I have always tried to figure it out, Sometimes I fail, in which case I only have me to blame, but more often then not I, to various degrees, succeed,
I say succeed but only in regards to certain things. Things that follow rules, Things that follow logic, Things that are easily learnable. Computers, for instance, a piece of cake,
I have been completely rubbish at other things. Generally speaking, anything that involves emotions, And this is the main reason I'm seeing the therapist. Initially I went to him because I thought it was all about why I couldn't figure out all this emotional stuff. Now I'm beginning to understand that it's all about why I need to figure out everything by myself.
And that is where session 4 will begin.
P.S. As a side note, thus far this has been a positive experience, Yes I can get quite moody afterwards, but I feel I'm learning and moving forward. I fear that soon going to the therapist will feel more like a punishment than reward.