Follow Up 2!

So it's been about a month since my second appointment. So what's changed?

The doctor recommended therapy. He said that I should see a therapist once a week for as long as required. "How much do they cost?" I ask. "Depending on the therapist $100 to $200 a session". Gulp. Once a week. Four weeks in a month. $400 to $800 a month. Gulp. That's $5200-$10400 per year. GULP! Well that isn't happening.

"Do you have coverage" he asks. "$500 per year" I reply. For that much money I might get to Tom age 10. Certainly I'm not going to sort out nearly 46 years worth… Not that I think there is 46 years worth only a couple of key sticking points but you get the point.

So I'm not sure how to proceed. I can't afford those prices but I need to clear my head. So what do I do? Well for starters I go to the beach.

Sure I'm not directly dealing with things but I'm not creating new things either. Having a completely stress free day really helps out. The warm weather helps. Being out and about. Swimming in the water. Watching the people. Watching the sunset. Generally speaking: it is a day to completely destress.

Are the problems gone away? No. Do they seem as important today? Yes. Are they bothering me as much? No.

So here I sit, on a Saturday night. Outside by the river. I try to move forward. I look for patterns in my behavior. I breathe.


So I had a lot of blood work done recently. Eight vials worth to de exact. I had a urine sample taken and analyzed. My doctor examined me from top to bottom. I was poked, prodded, and had a finger inserted about my person. He asked me 50 questions. He did everything medically imaginable a GP could do. And what did he find? Absolutely nothing.

I am, for all intents and purposes, a very healthy 45 year old male. I'm even off the cholesterol medication that I've been on for years. Everything is exactly as it should be. So, I ask my doctor, "why do I feel like crap and why do I have no energy?"

He starts asking me another 50 questions. He pauses slightly and sighs weirdly between each. "When was the last time you had sex?" Hummmpf. "How often do you go out with friends." Hummmmmmmmpf. Question after question. This is just uncomfortable. Even more uncomfortable than the "finger".

"(during your answer to that last question) you started to say something else. What was it?" For the life of me I don't know—I didn't even remember the question at this point.

There is a long pause. I stare blankly at him.

"Well the tests show no signs of any trouble. What do you think the problem is?"

I look quizzically at him. I'm tired of his questions.

"I'm going to send you to a specialist. How do you feel about seeing a psychiatrist?"

His question does not surprise me. "That would probably be a good idea" I say.

It is something I've pondered for a while. Should I go to therapy? Am I depressed? According to my doctor I probably am and just to be certain he wants to send me for a psych evaluation. I go this week and I am looking forward to it.

I do not view this as a bad thing. I view depression as any other disease. It is a medical fact. Maybe it will be treatable without medication. Maybe medication will be required. Hopefully it will get better quickly. Maybe it will take some time.

What I'm hoping for is that this psych eval will help me find some answers… sometimes you just want a diagnosis that you can hang a plan upon.

Vacation, etc.

So every November for as long as I can remember me and my best friend have gone to Mexico. And every year he does a song and dance about how he doesn't want to go. And every year as it gets closer to mid September he changes his mind and really looks forward to it.

I've never believed his act… except for this year. This year, at this point in time, he is still insisting that he does not want to go. And I believe him. And I totally respect that decision. And I will not try to change his mind.

And I have been overly emotional ever since. I'm feeling many different things about this but mostly I'm feeling very sad.

I've come to rely on the time spent in Mexico and more importantly the time spent with him as my decompression valve for the whole year.

It is the one time of the year that I completely relax for more than a brief moment. We have been there so often that we know where everything is. We know the restaurants we like. We know the people. We know the staff. We know directions. We know locations. There is absolutely nothing to do but relax and enjoy.

We even go in November because it is the quietest time of the year with the best weather. It is peaceful. It is sitting on the beach and eating under the stars. It is watching sunsets and laughing ourselves silly. It is smoking and drinking and talking and relaxing.

I'm certain that I could come up with other vacations or another travel companion or I could go on my own but it won't be the same. Nothing ever is but there was just something so perfect about this one thing we did that I will be sad about this for a while and I will miss it.

I know that everything changes but that doesn't make the changing any easier. And it is ok to be sad. But if I'm still sad about this in a week or so… please kick my butt.

And besides, maybe he'll change his mind.

Some Days

Some days I feel like I'm doing something fundamentally wrong with my life… I just haven't the foggiest what it is nor what it is I should be doing differently.

What decisions did I make to get to this point? What different decisions could i have made? What am I not happy with? What am I happy with? Deep fundamental preponderances best left to philosophers and thinkers. I am neither yet there they are knocking around in my head.

I think most people think about these things occasionally. Its been happening a lot with me lately. Which at least tells me I that something is up.

I've made a lot of progress to get myself to this point of my life, I've cleared out a lot of baggage, but now there appears to be a log jam. Pressure is building up. My life wants to move forward, but something is holding me back.

Hopefully soon I will figure out just what it is. In the meantime, apropos of nothing, please enjoy this children's cartoon.