Being Single (BS)
/The number one question I get after "how tall are you?" and "how big are your feet?" is "are you still single?"
Well, I'm 6'6", I wear a size 16 running shoe, and the answer to the last question is a simple yes. I've been single for about eight and a half years now. Yes, 8.5 years. The reason behind that is a long and complicated one, so I'm going to write it down in several posts because one post would be way too long.
The beginning of this chapter is… it's the beginning of the story of me… it's the time before I became still single. A period of time I refer to as "before single", or BS for short, because that's easier and, quite frankly, BS is what it was all about.
I have had five "long" term relationships BS. The first one was about a year long, #2 was about a year, #3 was ninth months, and #4 was 3 years. In each case the relationship ended fairly poorly. And in each case I thought it was because of them that we were breaking up. They weren't this and they weren't that. Which, in some cases, was true. However, it's also true that in some cases they were exactly the same person at the end that I fell in "love" with at the beggining of the relationship.
I thought I just didn't pick good people to be in relationships with. They were this, or they were that. Although I didn't realize it at the time, more often than not, it was more of "they like me" than "they are right for me". Nothing against any of them, I was just entering into a relationship to be in a relationship. I didn't know why I entered into these relationships other than I couldn't stand to be alone. Therefore, throughout the BS period I was either in a relationship, breaking up from a relationship, or trying to get into a new relationship.
I was rarely ever alone or sober (but more on that later).
Then I met #5. He was a really nice guy. I think that, in many respects, he is the first person I truly loved. (And again, not that I didn't think that I loved the others, I did, it's just that this was different). It was an easy relationship. I simply wanted for him to be happy and my feelings really didn't enter into it. There was never a fight or a quarrel. It was simply calm. And it was wonderful for about 4 years and he became happier and calmer and I became happier and calmer because I loved him. Then it started to fall apart.
We broke up one year later, and it was at that time that I finally started to look inward, and think maybe it's not everyone else, maybe it's me.
And for the first time in my life, I started to question everything about what was going on in my life. For the first time, I would examine my life and try to make some sense of it all. For the first time I would attempt to become fully conscience in my life.
And that was 8.5 years ago… the time when the BS period ended.
