Finger in the Butt

Went to the doctor's office today for my yearly physical. The first thing to discuss was the blood work. I gave up six vials of blood a couple of weeks ago. My blood sugar is high, what can I say—I love me some carbs. Everything else with the blood work is "where is should be." I assume that means it's good. I don't ask for details.

Next he gets up and says "take off your clothes, except your underwear," and he leaves the office. Two minutes later I'm sitting in my underwear, freezing, on a thin piece of white paper, with my doctor proding and poking around my body, from top to bottom, bypassing the still covered mid-section. Sitting up he checks my mouth, ears, eyes, and blood pressure.

Then, the famous words "please lie down and pull down your underwear." A little groping of the family jewels (I keep them in my underwear, don't you know). A quick hold-and-cough. A little upper hernia check. All's good on the front side.

Then the most famous words of all "please roll over on your side. Try to relax, this might be a little cold." I'm thinking "What, you don't pre-heat your lube? Can't you rub your finger for a bit to heat it up?" and of course "I was relaxed until you said it would be cold."

There's a momentary pause. then he inquires "how was your vacation?" Barely pausing for me to answer he pushes his finger in my butt. Top marks for trying to distract me. Low marks for a smooth conversation transition. My vacation was good, so, apparently, is my butt.

I never understood the philosophy some people have regarding doctors visits. They say "I don't want to hear anything bad." That's so bizarre to me. I'd rather hear "you have this little thing here that we can clear up quickly with this little inconvenience" than "I'm sorry you've got ass cancer, here's the bag that you'll be pooping in from now on." Let's compare: finger in the butt OR pooping in a bag. I'll take the finger in the butt, thank you very much. I'm funny that way.

Oh, and the last thing I did? I asked when was the last time I had a colonoscopy. Coming up next month… new blog post Camera Up The Butt.